Mom and A Lesson For Us All

Mom walked out of the bedroom and asked "what is this?" She was holding a tiny blue Limoges plate with gold figures on it. It had been in her possession forever. Always held a place in her curio cabinet with her other special things. Lately it had been on the bookcase next to her bed. "Don't you know?" I asked her. She shook her head. "I think you got it in Paris", I said. "When you and dad went back in the 70's". She looked a little puzzled, so I said "well that's the story now, then". We laughed and she said "you should write this stuff down" at which I replied, "I have been". She answered "no, your things - so you won't forget".

Mom and Dad c1963

This is our regular mother/daughter dialog these days. Mom is suffering with vascular dementia and I am trying mightly to pull all the family stories I can out of her before they are gone. It's funny, the things we all take for granted. Our memory, for one. Of special things, times, places, people. Good advice from a woman who's loosing all of hers.

As the dementia progresses and we work to downsize her, once again, to a memory care facility I am beginning to see, often for the first time, the things she has held most precious all these years. The things she's taken as companions on her journey. It's hard. Heart wrenching. Surreal and oddly magnificent all at the same time.

Mom's journey, her final path anyway, began shortly after my dad passed in 2007. She began to sell off their possessions. And, boy where there possessions! My dad loved 'stuff' and never parted with any of it. First she cleared out the pole barn chock full of our childhood things - we three kids took a few items we wanted, but let me tell you, the shock and surprise I experienced, laying my eyes on that stuff for the first time in 40+ years. I had no idea most of it was still around!

Mom and Dad c1996

Then she sold the Michigan Home. And all the 'stuff' the home contained. The house they'd build just 4 short years before my dad's passing. The house they were going to retire in so my dad's dream of getting back to his first love, fine art painting, could be fulfilled. (Don't put off your dreams!)

Next step for her was to sell the townhouse they were living in 'temporarily', having sold the big family home several years earlier to fund the Michigan Home. Again, she sold all the 'stuff' contained within. (Oh man, was there 'stuff'! Stuff I had never laid my eyes on - magical stuff - my dad was a die-hard 'collector', and admirer of fascinating things) This is when I found the Family Tree tucked behind the furnace. And boxes of old photos from my dad's childhood that I had never seen before. I asked mom about some of it, putting off diving in until she was settled in her new place.

Her possessions grew smaller still. The items she was choosing to keep always the most special.

Mind you, she was doing all this on her own. On Her Own! Strong blood in this one. She definitely has the Twining Blood coursing through her veins. A healthy does of Potwin too, both fine Pioneer families.

She chose to move to a large Senior Retirement Community. Got herself a spacious 2 bedroom/2 bath apartment (With a kitchen bigger that mine!) in the independent living section. A 6th floor apartment with really amazing views - on a clear day you could see the Chicago skyline - always a breathtaking sight. She brought her favored possessions and settled in.

She enjoyed her new life in her new community for almost 5 years. Going on day trips, lunching with new friends, socializing, even going on an Alaskan cruise.

Then the wheels came off.

It was obvious that something was amiss. Won't go into the details, but if you've gone through something similar, you know what I'm speaking of. That something - dementia - creeping in - making a nest - settling into her mind and eating away at her memories. Our memories. As I scrambled to get her to a safer environment, a downsizing began. The assisted living  apartments were much smaller. We needed to pare down her things. We packed together on the weekends, talking of the past and her future. I began asking as many questions as I could think of, quizzing her on family history and the the stories she could remember. Crying when I returned home that I didn't begin asking sooner.

I would return the next weekend to boxes unpacked, items missing or broken. And mom having no memory of it. Wondering why she hadn't moved yet .....

We successfully got her settled in on Thanksgiving weekend of 2016. Donating half of her possessions to local charities, taking home boxes and boxes (and boxes) of items to sort thru, the paper was staggering! Six file cabinets that contained an entire married adult life - and I still have four boxes to go ...

Four Generations

In her new apartment mom settled in, putting her beloved possessions away in their spots. This time it was like she was discovering some of them for the first time. She'd come out of the bedroom with an item in hand, excited look on her face, telling me the memory it invoked. Sometimes however she was puzzled by something. She knew it was supposed to mean something to her, that it did mean something to her at one point, baffled now as to what that was. Saying aloud "Oh, that used to mean something" and putting it carefully away.

And I did not write everything down. I thought I would remember.

Now, the time has come to downsize again. This time to a room the size of a mid-grade hotel room. No closets, just an armoire for clothing. Again we will pare her furnishings down by half. This time most of the family treasures will come home with me or go live with my brother. In memory care the doors don't lock. The residents wander. Things get broken or stolen. It can't be helped.

This time I am going through her most prized possessions. The ones she has chosen to take with her to the end. Very intimate. Very emotional. A fresh batch of her things I am seeing for the first time in my life, yet they've been in her life half again as long. Unless I show her an item and ask her what it means to her, she isn't even aware of it's existence. There are things I thought I would finally find that are not there. This time I can't ask, or rather I can't get an answer. She has forgotten.

It's up to me, as the family historian, to pull from my own memory the significance. Other items I mourn as I will never know who owned it, why she kept it all this time, what was the meaning? Don't ask, don't tell is not good policy in families, especially if you are destined to become the 'keeper of things'. A lesson we never learn until it's too late.

One item, a beautiful white gold wedding ring set, 1920's vintage, I had never laid my eyes upon before. I was hoping it was the wedding ring of my paternal grandmother, a woman I had never known. I have always wondered what happened to it. I combed through the photographs I have of both of my grandmothers, my maternal grandmother always wearing a simple band, no diamond, no wedding set. The one photo I found of my paternal grandmother that shows her hand is (of course) blurry, but the ring is obviously large, it could be the set I found. I asked my mom. Gotta have hope right!

Grandmother and 'the ring'

She thought it might be her mother's. But she wasn't sure. In fact she didn't even recognize it at first.

Now a story lost to the ages, a knowing that will never be known. Locked in the mind of a woman that can't remember anymore.

Should have written it down. A lesson for us all. We will not remember. Our children will not ask. Things held so dear that we take them with us on our entire life's journey, only to wind up a mystery to those that come after.

Should have written it down.


©2017 Anne Faulkner - AncestorArchaeology.net, All Rights Reserved

Fearless Females 2017 :: Week 2

This week's prompts were very difficult for me for some reason.

Document Narrative:
Take a family document (baptismal certificate, passenger list, naturalization petition, etc.) and write a brief narrative using the information.

 I do not possess any of these types of documents for my female ancestors. My 3rd Great Grandmother, Elizabeth Chalmers, was married in Edinburgh, Scotland on March 25th 1832, and gave birth to her first child in Manhattan, New York on January 4th 1833. I do not know when the newlyweds left Scotland, but I do know Elizabeth was most certainly pregnant during the voyage across the ocean. Arriving in a strange new land with little time to set up a household before giving birth. Was she alone? Did she have neighbor women to help with the delivery? What courage this must have taken!

Religion:
What role did religion play in your family? How did your female ancestors practice their faith? If they did not, why didn’t they? Did you have any female ancestors who served their churches in some capacity?

Many of my female ancestors were minister's wives. Those women traveled from place to place, children in tow, as their husbands rode the circuit in pioneer America. Others were of the Quaker faith and played a larger part in their church. I know several of the ministers wives were involved in organizing local churches along with their husbands. And one Quaker ancestor was a land owner in her own right. I haven't pursued that yet.

Tragic Death:
Did you have any female ancestors who died young or from tragic or unexpected circumstances? Describe and how did this affect the family?

No tragic deaths! I was surprised. Most all of the women out lived the men, some by decades. I come from a hardy stock of females. My namesake lived to be 101. The one exception would be my paternal grandmother, who died when my father was 15. I really don't know much other than my father used to say she was 'sickly'. My father was an only child so this must have been a lonely time, but like so many men, he never really spoke of it.

Occupation or Career:
Working girl: Did your mother or grandmother work outside the home? What did she do? Describe her occupation.

Both my maternal grandmother and my mother worked. My grandmother was forced into it, her marriage was rocky and she needed to take care of herself and her children. She went to stenographer's school, which makes me laugh, she was a horrible typist! She was a House Mother when her youngest son and daughter went to college. Later she took on a role as a travel companion/live-in house manager for an elderly man in Bel-Air CA! She got to travel the world during that time.

My mother went back to school when I was about 12. First to nursing school, later she went on to get her Masters in Social Work and eventually became the head of the Social Work Dept at MacNeal Hospital in Berwyn IL.

Courage:
Moment of Strength: share a story where a female ancestor showed courage or strength in a difficult situation.

I'd pick my great grandmother Carrie Twining Potwin, when she accompanied her husband, newborn daughter in tow, to the frontier of the Oklahoma Territory on one of his money-making schemes. Men!

Newsworthy:
Newsmakers? Did you have a female ancestor who made the news? Why? Was she famous or notorious? Did she appear in the social column?

IF anyone had been paying attention I think my 2nd great grandmother should have made the news. Twice divorced, a child from a previous marriage, getting married in different counties ..... or different states! I would love to know the real story there.

Six Word Tribute:
Write a six-word memoir tribute to one of your female ancestors.

Twenty presidents, three wars, long life.

Ladies Who Lunch:
If you could have lunch with any female family member (living or dead) or any famous female who would it be and why? Where would you go? What would you eat?

My grandmother, I think. We'd have wine and talk about genealogy! She's the one who started this, after all.

........until next week..........

©2017 Anne Faulkner - AncestorArchaeology.net, All Rights Reserved

Fearless Females 2017 :: Week 1

Favorite female ancestor:
Do you have a favorite female ancestor? One you are drawn to or want to learn more about? Write down some key facts you have already learned or what you would like to learn and outline your goals and potential sources you plan to check.

I have many favorite ancestors, the women seem harder to follow because there are so few records for them. So many have just one name, their maiden surnames lost to time. Right now I am stuck on my 2nd great grandmother, Jennie (Jane) Whitford. Twice divorced, I recently discovered a half brother to my great grandfather that no one knew about (on either side of the family). Her burial location remains a mystery. I'd like to learn more of her life prior to her marriage to my 2nd great grandfather. Who her parents were, why she divorced two times and where she is buried. She was last alive in St Paul, MN in 1887.

Photo:
Post a photo of one of your female ancestors. Who is in the photo? When was it taken? Why did you select this photo?

This is a photo of my paternal grandmother (far right) with who I think are her three girlfriends. The back of the photo just says Butte Aug 15,1922. My grandmother must have taken a train trip with her friends. This was a month before her 20th birthday. She lived in Chicago all her life. I love this photo for many reasons. One, I never knew this woman, she died when my dad was just 16, so all I have of her are a few photos. And two, it looks like they are having fun - I have always wanted to take a train trip across the US myself.

Name:
Do you share a first name with one of your female ancestors? Perhaps you were named for your great-grandmother, or your name follows a particular naming pattern. If not, then list the most unique or unusual female first name you’ve come across in your family tree.

I do!! I am named for my paternal great grandmother Anna Elizabeth O'Connell Faulkner. My middle name, Elizabeth, is a traditional name used in my family. On both sides. Both my grandmother's, my mother, and a maternal great grandmother all share Elizabeth.

Marriage Records:
Do you have marriage records for your grandparents or great-grandparents? Write a post about where they were married and when. Any family stories about the wedding day? Post a photo too if you have one.

No photos. I have some marriage records - the ones I was able to find on Ancestry and FamilySearch. Oddly, no family stories either. My paternal grandparents wedding was always, always a mystery. As I said above, my paternal grandmother died a month before my dad's (an only) 16th birthday. My paternal grandfather never spoke of her after that. My dad really didn't know much - he knew they were married before he was born, guessing sometime between 1926 and 1930.  Last year, 9 years after my dad's passing, I decided to relook at this mystery. You can read about my discovery here - long story short they were married in Chicago on Oct 2nd 1928. I plan to visit the church sometime this summer.

How did your grandparents meet?
How did they meet? You’ve documented marriages, now, go back a bit. Do you know the story of how your parents met? Your grandparents?

My parents met in college at the University of Illinois. A frat party I believe. My maternal grandparents were High School sweethearts. My grandmother's parents were also school sweethearts, maintaining a long distance relationship for two years while my great grandfather was away at University.

Heirloom:
 Describe an heirloom you may have inherited from a female ancestor (wedding ring or other jewelry, china, clothing, etc.) If you don’t have any, then write about a specific object you remember from your mother or grandmother, or aunt (a scarf, a hat, cooking utensil, furniture, etc.)

I do have several pieces of jewelry that belonged to my maternal grandmother, the wedding china that belonged to my paternal grandmother and my mother's wedding dress, but my absolute favorite heirloom is this painting, painted by my grandmother's mother Carrie Elizabeth Twining Potwin (see there, Elizabeth!) It has passed from woman to woman in my family and the cool part? Every owner was an Elizabeth! I love that story!

Favorite Recipe:
Share a favorite recipe from your mother or grandmother’s kitchen. Why is this dish your favorite? If you don’t have one that’s been passed down, describe a favorite holiday or other meal you shared with your family.

Oh lord no! I do not come from a line of good cooks. My step-step-step (yes, three steps) grandmother was an amazing baker, but direct line cooks? Not so much. My aunt's 'famous' desert was vanilla ice cream smothered in Creme De Menthe! For everyone! We did have some memorable Thanksgivings when I was a young child .....

Letter Collection:
Did one of your female ancestors leave a diary, journal, or collection of letters? Share an entry or excerpt.

I have a few letters that my grandmother wrote to her mother when she was living in Canada in the late 1930's. My grandfather had been relocated for his job so the entire family made the move from Iowa to New Brunswick. My mother was born in Canada. This is an excerpt from a letter my grandmother wrote to her mother after my mom was born:

"Thursday afternoon October first. Dearest Mother and all, you won't mind pencil I know. I'm back in bed having been up twice today (for the first) Of course I was a bit giddy at first but felt alright the second time. Wish you might see our little girl, she is very wee - today she weighs five pounds and thirteen ounces. She may tomorrow have her birth weight back. I have a very good nurse and we've gotten along fine. She will stay until Saturday or possibly Sunday. I am to go downstairs on Sat." ..... 

My mother was born on September 21st. It sounds to me as if my grandmother had not been out of bed until this day, the first of October! Oh my, how the times have changed!

....................until next week................

©Anne Faulkner - AncestorArchaeology.net, All Rights Reserved

Field Notes: The Cart Tipped Over, The Horse Ran Away

Or at least that's what it felt like.

These last few weeks have been a turmoil of urgent family issues that have harshly and abruptly brought me out of the Cave, squinting like a mole, confused and momentarily dazed.

Life happens.

When it does, our focus and responsibilities must shift accordingly.

That focus brought me away from everything but the most urgent, immediate demands in my life.

To put it gently, my mother has begun to enter her second childhood. I read that term recently and it really resonated with me - it is exactly what is happening to our family. The children have become the adults; the parent, the child.

It has been a difficult and emotionally straining few weeks as our family has scrambled to determine what the best course of action is, now knowing fully the severity of our mother's condition.

As is usually the case, she had been hiding it most brilliantly for quite a long time. And, as is also usually the case, we all went on believing, on some level, (perhaps out of fear) that she was perfectly fine.

Until she wasn't.

In the coming weeks, I hope to find my way back to the Cave; genealogy and family history being my comfort and solace. I also sense a new urgency to record my mother's memories before it is too late. I have begun writing down every little funny question I wonder about, I missed the opportunity with my father, a deep regret.

I have returned to my grandmother's research box, my mother's mother, and am assembling a folder with letters, photos, etc that need answers only my mother can give. Her long term memory is spot-on and I am looking forward to some rich family stories that I might never have thought to inquire about.

Time is short. Memories die.

Carpe diem.


©2016 Anne Faulkner ~ AncestorArchaeology.net, All Right Reserved